Unhappily Ever After
by Karategurl
Summary: I'm just playing around with an idea, here. Pretty much it's a bunch of fairy tales gone wrong. Please read and review!
1. Snow White

Once upon a time, in a magical kingdom far far away, there lived a beautiful princess named Snow White. She lived in a huge palace with her evil stepmother, the queen. The queen had killed her daddy after she'd married him, and then made Snow White wear ratty old dresses and scrub the palace floors. But Snow White didn't care, because she could sing and play with all the cute little animals while she worked. The queen had a magic mirror that she looked into every day, and she'd ask it, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?" As long as the mirror replied, "You, oh queen, are the fairest in the land," the queen was happy. But one day the mirror replied, "Snow White is more fair than you." The queen was furious! She sent her huntsman with Snow White into the forest. She told him to kill Snow White and to bring back her heart as proof that he had. But when it came time for the huntsman to kill Snow White, he couldn't do it. He told her to run into the forest and hide and never come back. Snow White ran in fear into the forest, while the huntsman killed a pig and brought it to the queen, claiming to have killed Snow White. This idea didn't work too well, because the queen saw through his lie and threw him and his wife into a pen full of hungry lions, who ate them all up. She had his ten kids used for target practice by her royal archers.  
  
Meanwhile, Snow White found a little cottage far out in the woods. "Yuck!" she exclaimed. "This place is filthy!" She pulled out the broom and began to clean up, all the while muttering about being a slave to everybody, and why she was even here in the first place, and what a disgusting pigsty the place was. Pretty soon, after hours and hours of tedious chores, Snow White had the cottage sparkling clean. She quickly fell asleep on some of the tiny little beds. A short while later, the seven dwarves came home. They saw that the cottage was clean and began to panic. They sent Dopey the dwarf into the house to see that was wrong. He saw Snow White asleep on the bed and was just marveling over how gorgeous she was when she woke up, saw him standing over her, and blasted him with the shotgun she had hidden under the bed. When Dopey didn't come back out of the house, the dwarves when in one by one to see what was the matter, and one by one they were blasted to bits by Snow White and her shotgun. Snow White buried them all in the garden.  
  
The next day an old peddler woman came to the little cottage selling apples. Now, the old woman was really the queen, who had hidden a poisoned apple in with the rest of her apples, but Snow White didn't know this, and nor did she care. She grabbed her trusty shotgun and killed the old woman and buried her in the garden. She then took all of her apples and ate them herself. When she bit the poisoned apple, she fell into a deep sleep.  
  
Fifty years later, a prince just so happened to be walking through the forest when he saw the little cottage. He opened the door and looked inside and saw Snow White one the floor, apparently dead as a doornail, covered with dust and cobwebs. He was so overcome with grief that he cried a bit and kissed Snow White right on her cold, dirty, cobweb-covered lips. She woke up right away, complaining about how dirty she was and demanding to be allowed to take a shower and get a haircut and a manicure and a makeover. The prince gladly took her to the local barber shop and paid for all of it. He then proposed to her, to which she responded with a careless, "I guess so." The prince was ecstatic. He arranged the marriage for that evening. That afternoon, the prince's mother and father were killed in an unfortunate accident with a shotgun, to which the real culprit was never found. That evening, after the marriage, the prince was also killed in an unfortunate shotgun accident. Snow White handed the throne over to some random guy she found the next day, and left to become a prostitute. She made a steady income for the next few years before she committed suicide, leaving behind a note complaining that she was too lonely. Everyone else lived happily ever after. ~THE END~ 


	2. Little Red Riding Hood

Once upon a time there was a little brat named Little Red Riding Hood. She was rude to everybody, especially her granny. But one day she decided to take a special trip through the woods to see her granny, and take her a basket of goodies ("goodies" being a couple hand grenades that Red was planning on using to get rid of her bothersome old granny). Red was walking through the woods, throwing rocks at birds and kicking any rabbits that got in her way and having a grand old time when she met the wolf. Now, she didn't know it, but the wolf just so happened to be her granny's new boyfriend. "Outta my way, fuzzball!" Red shrieked, pushing her way past the wolf. "There's no need to be rude," the wolf grouched. "Rude yourself!" Red hollered. "And where might a lovely young girl like yourself be going on such a beautiful day?" the wolf asked politely, trying to make conversation. "I'm going to blow my granny to smithereens, ya ugly old thing!" Red said, crossing her arms. The wolf pretended not to notice, but smiled sweetly and said, "Don't you think your granny might enjoy it if you picked her some flowers?" "Yeah, whatever," Red said, grabbing a handful of ragweed and continuing on her way. The wolf just so happened to know a shortcut to granny's house, and ran there as fast as he could, shouting, "Granny! Granny! Run and hide! A little girl is coming to murder you!" "Shut up, would ya?" Granny hollered from the bedroom. "I'm trying to take a nap!" "But granny-" "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE IF YOU'RE GOING TO BOTHER ME!" The wolf frowned. "You know what?" he said. "This relationship isn't working at all! I think we should just break up once and for all!" "Fine! I don't care, as long as I can get some sleep!" "Fine!" The wolf stormed out of the house, only to be greeted by Red stomping up the driveway. "Move it, hairball!" she yelled, nailing him with one of her hand grenades. He exploded into tiny pieces. Red pounded on the door, shouting, "Granny! It's me, Red Riding Hood! I've come for a visit!" "GO AWAY!" Granny yelled from inside. Red didn't listen. She kicked the door open and right away got her Granny with another grenade. "That takes care of that old geezer," she muttered. She quickly exited the cottage, tripping down the porch steps and breaking her neck and dying right there and then. All of the forest animals had a party to celebrate Red's untimely demise. ~THE END~ 


	3. Cinderella

~THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to Smiley for reviewing! And also for understanding the point of the messed up fairy tales. There IS no point, and that's the whole point! I am just weird. Smiley, you are the best!~  
  
Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, there was a girl named Cinderella. She lived with her stepmother and two evil stepsisters. They made her cook for them and clean everything, and basically turned her into a servant. One day, Cinderella heard that the prince was giving a royal ball. She wanted to go really, REALLY bad. Her stepsisters didn't talk about anything else but the ball. They spent hours getting ready for the ball. Cinderella watched them go, wishing that she could go, too.  
"I wish I could go to the ball," she sobbed. Nothing happened.  
"I wish I could go to the ball!" she repeated, louder. Still nothing.  
"I WISH I COULD GO TO THE BALL!" Nothing was happening.  
"WHERE IS THE FAIRY GODMOTHER?!"  
There was a deafening bang, and in a cloud of smoke and flame, the Wicked Witch of the West appeared.  
"You're fairy godmother's on vacation," she snapped. "I'm supposed to do her stuff."  
In a flash, Cinderella had her carriage (falling apart), her horses (skinny, shabby ponies), and the carriage driver (a six-year-old kid). Before Cinderella could object, the witch disappeared.  
"That's okay, I'll walk then," she muttered, stomping off. "I don't even have a dress."  
She got to the ball, and the prince noticed her right away because of her shabby clothes. He was about to have her kicked out, but decided to find out why she didn't have a pretty dress first. They started talking, and the prince surprised himself by falling in love with Cinderella and married her the next day.  
The evil stepsisters were incredibly jealous, and teamed up and murdered Cinderella the next night. But then they got in a fight over who got to keep the prince. One grabbed the knife and stabbed the other one, and she got to keep the prince (she threatened to kill him) and they both lived unhappily ever after.  
  
THE END 


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